


Torchwood Teletubbies

by haces222



Category: Teletubbies (TV), Torchwood
Genre: Crack, Gen, Gwen Bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-05
Updated: 2014-02-05
Packaged: 2018-01-11 07:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1170121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haces222/pseuds/haces222
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Gwen messes up</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood Teletubbies

**Author's Note:**

> All I can do is blame this on being forced to watch Teletubbies over and over again. Complete crack best to be taken with a whole salt cellar instead of a pinch of salt. Beta'd by the wonderful. 
> 
> crowson75
> 
> A few swear words though if I was in the same boat I'd be swearing too.
> 
> I wrote this quite a while ago but never thought to post it her

It had been a day from hell for Torchwood 3, now called Torchwood Teletubbie land ever since Teletubbie Gwennie pressed the big red button, even though she’d been told not to.

“For fucks sake Gwen! The ears I can handle but this fucking antenna on top of my head is another matter.”

“But…”

“Don’t  _‘but’_ me. Why is it you see a large red button with ‘DO NOT TOUCH!’ and the first thing you think of is  _‘oooh let’s see what happens if I press it?’_ You should’ve realised that nothing good ever comes from pressing red buttons!”

“Look at it this way Owen, at least now if you want to watch porn all you need to do is adjust your antenna and position yourself in front of a mirror.”

“Fuck off teaboy! Unless you haven’t noticed we’re in a bit of a predicament here, in that we’re fluffy fucking teletubbies. A lot of good we’d be if there’s a Weevil attack.”

“Look on the bright side, when they see us they’ll probably die laughing.”

“Harkness, even you’ll have trouble pulling off this look. For one thing you can’t exactly swish in that coat without tripping over the coattails. And how exactly are we supposed to get to the Weevils anyway? it’s not as if the SUV is teletubbie friendly.”

“Look Owen, we are still earth’s first line of defence against the worst scum of the universe.”

Whispering to Tosh, Ianto murmured, “I thought that was  _‘Men In Black?’_ ”

“I heard that! These ears aren’t just for decoration you know?”

“Jack, you can’t honestly expect us to carry on as normal, whilst, due to Gwennie over there’s stupidity, we now bear an uncanny resemblance to something that any sane person would shoot on sight.”

The pink teletubbie in question glared, “Why do you keep calling me Gwennie?”

“Cos it pisses you off.”

Before she could reply though the rift alarm went off. Tosh standing on tiptoes looked over the information.

“Rift activity detected in Queens street! It’s a heavily populated area, what the hell are we going to do?”

“Our job! Tosh I want you to stay here and look into turning us back. The rest of you, with me.” With a slight shuffle, Jack turned round and waddled towards the armoury with a yellow, green and pink teletubbie in tow. Grabbing hand guns with some difficulty they head towards the garage and the SUV. The four teletubbies gazed up at the hulking black machine with some trepidation before Owen said the inevitable.

“Okay, we’re here. Now how the hell do we get in there?”

Jack, as the tallest, managed to open the doors and, turning to Owen, gestured to the passenger seat, “Hop in and belt up.”

“You really expect to drive this brute? For one thing your feet won’t reach the peddles.”

“I’ve got that covered.” Inclining his head towards the SUV he continued, “Gwen you’re going to have to go on the floor, by the peddles.”

“YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

“I’m sorry Gwen we’re in a predicament and we’re going to have to work together to get out of it. So get in the car and get on the floor.”

Seeing no way out of it, Gwennie climbed into the car and after one final glare at Jack, positioned her fat self beside the peddles.

Smiling, Jack gestured to the driving seat then to Ianto, “Hop in and make yourself comfortable.”

With help from Jack, Ianto struggled into the driving seat and faced the steering wheel, “I can’t see over it.”

Grinning at Ianto, Jack replied, “that won’t be a problem,” before climbing in and settling himself on top of Ianto, who slid his arms around him.

“You know you could have used a cushion.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“Pervert.”

Wriggling around on Ianto’s soft lap, Jack laughed. “Always… Right, down to business.” Thanking whatever deity would listen to a purple teletubbie, Jack put the SUV into drive and called out, “Hit it Gwen!”

And with that the SUV shuddered out of the garage and onto the open road.

Thirty minutes and one hell raising ride later they arrived at Queens street, and one thing was clearly evident; either Gwennie didn’t know her left from right or her brake from the accelerator.

Glancing out of the window, Jack groaned as he spied Cardiff’s finest already there.  PC Andy Davidson made his way over with what could only be called a resigned look on his face. Coming to a stop, he tapped on the window, to which Jack took a deep breath and rolled it down.

“I might have known speci…. What the fuck?”

“Yes we’ve been turned into teletubbies. No, it wasn’t deliberate. Now, can you clear the area and let us do our job?”

Andy gazed at the four inhabitants of the SUV, wishing fervently for a camera. He noticed Owen, aka Dipsy, was trying to sink into the passenger seat. What at first appeared to be a yellow cushion with arms had to be Ianto, aka La La. Jack was obviously Tinky Winky, but who was the pink blob masquerading as Gwen?

Smirking slightly, Andy stepped back and called out, “Okay, special forces is here. Let’s move and give them some room.” Pausing briefly, he continued. “Guys, you’ve gotta see this.”

Hearing these words, Jack groaned and looked over at Owen, “Well we’d better get this over with. Take a deep breath guys, suck it up and follow me.” Clumsily, he opened the door and nearly fell out with Ianto, Owen and Gwennie in tow. A stunned silence enveloped the entire area, which Jack quickly took advantage of.

“Right! You can laugh later, but first we need to clear the area and I need to speak to whoever’s in charge.”

A tall attractive and, unfortunately, familiar black woman separated herself from the group and began walking towards them.

Jack groaned and his keen hearing heard Owen murmur, “Shit! Not her, anyone but her!”

Ignoring him, Jack held out a paw and turned on the Harkness charm, which wasn’t quite as effective coming from a 3ft purple furred body as it would from his own 6ft plus frame.

“Detective Swanson. Always a pleasure.”

“Cut the crap Jack, or should I call you Tinky Winky.”

“I despair of you Kathy, I had to Google Teletubbies to find out the names and here’s you knowing all about them.”

“My sister has kids,“ she replied flushing slightly. “I often baby-sit. Besides, Jack, don’t change the subject. What the hell happened to you?”

“Gwen,“ Jack answered dryly.

Sparing a glance at the pink Teletubbie, who blushed furiously, Kathy nodded. “Okay, well the statements we’ve had from witnesses seems to imply a bright light. This culminated in a tallish slim man dressed in, what was described as a theatrical costume complete with weaponry.”

If it were possible for a Teletubbie to beat it’s head against a brick wall, Jack would have done it. Unfortunately the bloody coat hanger on his head stopped it.

“No no no no! Not him! Not now!”

Ianto suppressed a shiver and placed a gentle paw on the purple arm of his partner. “We need to find him, there’s no telling what he’ll get up to.”

Heaving a sigh, Jack nodded. “You’re right and the sooner we find him the better. I’d suggest we check the pubs in the vicinity but to be honest  _trying_  to keep a low profile may be a better option.”

Owen laughed. “Never thought I’d see the day when Harkness wants to blend into the background. Not that I can blame him in this getup. Seeing as this is all her fault, I’d suggest sending Gwennie into the pubs to look for him. Though last time she met him he took her hostage and just before that he almost kissed her to death. So, she’s probably not the best one suited for covert surveillance even under the most ordinary of circumstances.”

Looking around nervously, Ianto murmured, “maybe we should get back in the SUV. We can contact Tosh see if she can track him down.”

“I’m with the teaboy teletubbie. I have no problem being admired for my fine physique, but being gawped at looking like this is another matter entirely.”

Clambering back into the SUV with what felt like half of Cardiff watching their every move -secret organization hah- was an experience none of them wanted to repeat, especially with Gwennie arguing about having to sit by the peddles again, but as Jack reasonably concluded.

“Well you’re going to have to work the peddles again and I’d prefer to close the doors against all prying eyes, and keep them closed.”

Grumbling at her team mates and casting dark looks everywhere, Gwennie sat on the floor beside the peddles and shifted around trying to find a comfortable spot.

Once everyone was in place, with Jack sitting on his yellow cushion with arms, Jack clicked on the loudspeaker and contacted Tosh.

“Tosh we’re at the coordinates. It looks like John Hart is responsible. We need to find him. Can you check all the CCTV footage in the surrounding area? We may be able to get a lock on where he is and what he’s up to.”

“Right Jack, I’m on it!”

“How are you doing concerning Gwennies big red button?”

“I think I’ve almost got it. Just need to run a few tests and we’ll be there, hopefully...”

There were few awkward seconds only punctuated by the odd cough until Owen broke the silence.. “Now what?”

As if in answer Jack turned the key and the SUV’s engine roared to life. “Now we make a dignified exit or at least as dignified as four Teletubbies driving a huge black SUV can.”

It wasn’t long before Tosh interrupted what had become an uncomfortable silence only broken by Jack barking orders at Gwennie.

“Guys! I found him! He’s heading for the Roald Dahl Plass. It looks like he’s heading for the Hub.”

“Damn it! Gwen, hit it!”

Twenty fraught minutes later and the SUV screeched to a halt in Torchwood’s underground garage. Four tubby bodies fell out of it in their haste to reach Tosh in time. Waddling through the blast doors they were confronted with a little red Teletubbie giggling, tears almost running down her cheeks.

“Tosh! What’s wrong? Where is he?”

Briefly bringing herself under control, Tosh pointed at her monitor. Captain John Hart was jumping up and down on their lift within the perception filter, and he appeared to be yelling at the top of his lungs. Jack leaned over and flicked the volume switch, catching the end of what was apparently a tirade.

“I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! GET YOUR ARSE OUT HERE OR AT LEAST LET ME IN!”

Gesturing towards the team, Jack cocked his Webley and tapped a few buttons on his neglected wrist band, “Guys keep your wits about you. And under no circumstances let him get to you.”

“Finally! I thought you was going to leave… What the fuck?”

“Don’t start, John. What do you want?”

Laughing hysterically John managed to gasp out, “At the minute a camera would be great!” before collapsing again.

Gritting his teeth Jack reiterated, “What do you want?”

Breathing deeply to gain control, John replied. “I actually came for some alien tech but this is so much better. Ooh where’s eye-candy?” He spotted Ianto, who was trying desperately to appear if not macho at least a little dangerous. “Ah there you are. Well, you’re no poodle but yellow is my colour and I’ve never done it with whatever the hell you are.”

With a yell, a purple ball of fury hurled itself at John, quickly followed by a yellow and green ball. Gwen shuffled over to Tosh and watched the show of testosterone on display. John quickly found himself laying face down on the floor with three deceptively heavy multicoloured things sitting on him. Tosh, who by this point had worked out how to rectify Gwen’s mistake, watched amused as Jack sat on John’s head and bounced up and down a couple of times for good measure. Ianto who was sitting on John’s back grinned at the muffled groans coming from beneath Jack’s ample bottom.

Watching closely, Tosh turned the dial and pushed the green button, then watched with interest as they all shifted back to their normal bodies. A muffled “OW!” caused all three men to jump to their feet, startled. Ignoring the disgruntled former time agent for a minute, Jack grabbed Tosh giving her a bone crushing hug, and soon they were joined by three more bodies. They were bought out of their group hug, with Jack having a sneaky grope, by a sarcastic voice ringing out.

“I can see you’re all happy to see each other, I’m fine thank you for asking.”

“John, I’m getting tired of asking this. What do you want?”

“Seeing as those big ears you had were obviously just for show I’ll repeat myself. I’m looking for a piece of alien tech that I tracked from the 30th century to here, and I assumed you lot got hold of it.”

“What makes you think it’s yours?”

“I won it in a card game. Look are you gonna give me what I came for?”

“What does it look like?”

“Remarkably like that doohicky your cute little scientist is holding.”

All eyes turned to Tosh who looked down at said doohickey.

“What did this person you won it from tell you?”

“That it was a transmogrfyer and, though it’s not a weapon it has the ability to produce precious gems. Now are you going to give me it or what?”

Jack looked at Tosh and asked her, “have you worked out everything you can about it?”

Nodding, she handed it carefully over to Jack, who looked down at it briefly before giving it to John. Hopping back up onto the paving slab John saluted.

“Thanks mate. Now if you’d just do whatever you have to, to get this thing moving, I’ll just be on my way.”

Jack slipped his wrist cuff back on and pressed the button allowing the lift to raise, at which point Ianto stepped forward and called out.

“I suggested you stay well away from the red button if I were you.”

The last words they heard from John as the slab disappeared from sight were, “yeah right eye-candy, whatever you say.”

Jack looked at Ianto and smirked, “You know damn well the first button he’s going to push is the red one.”

Blinking innocently the young Welshman replied, “well I warned him. It’s not my fault if he decides to ignore what I said.”

Jack turned his gaze onto Gwen, who was still watching the ceiling where John had disappeared. Coming to a decision, he murmured to Ianto and watched a big grin light up his face before he went and fetched what he had been asked for.

“Gwen, I have a job for you.”

Both Tosh and Owen looked with shock as Gwen smiled, realising she’d been forgiven.

“Yes, Jack, what do you want me to do?”

“Before you came, we had a case where it was thought that aliens had infiltrated a TV studio and had hypnotised the viewers. We could never find anything, but now I feel you have a unique ability to check it out. So I’d like you to carefully watch the DVD’s to see if you can find anything untoward.”

Ianto came back with a big stack of DVD’s, handed them to her and smiled.

Gwen looked down and blanched.

****

Several hours later the team relaxed with Chinese. If they strained their hearing, which they didn’t, they would have heard…

“Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala. Po

Teletubbies

Teletubbies say EO!”


End file.
